nuclear-news

An end to economic uncertainty

Keynesian economics argues that military spending is good for the economy. There are even more modern arguments that state the current economic troubles afflicting human society are the result of long periods of relative peace. Logically, the best way to remedy this would be with a war to end all wars.

Investors are unlikely to be pessimistic regarding stability of Chinese manufacturing when they’re too busy scrabbling in the dirt to find gnarled roots to eat, and the surviving members of society all automatically become highly skilled and valued workers due to the whole “everyone else is dead” thing. There would be plenty of work to go around too, what with having to rebuild houses, roads, farms, sewers, the power grid and the rest of our infrastructure.

It would even put an end to things like the current debacle around junior doctor’s contracts. Doctors will be too preoccupied dealing with the endless victims of burns and radiation to sleep, let alone quibble over their hours.

No more immigration problems 

What with the refugee crisis and the rise of Ukip, immigration is clearly a major issue in the UK at present. The main problem at present seems to be refugeesfleeing their war torn country to look for a safer life elsewhere. More cynical types argue that immigrants come to the country to take our jobs, or exploit other advantages of a more wealthy country.

A decent nuclear war would put an end to all that, by reducing every country in the world to the state of godforsaken irradiated wasteland. If you live in a godforsaken irradiated wasteland with scarcely any food or useful resources, it would be a pointless waste of effort to relocate to another godforsaken irradiated wasteland with scarcely any food or useful resources, especially since long-distance travel is a great deal more difficult now, so you might as well stay put.

Also, it would be difficult to argue that “Britain is full” when the majority of the population has been vaporised. Unless you mean full of debris.

Greater diversity

Humans are a very diverse bunch, andmulticulturalism has many benefits. A good way to increase human diversity further would be toflood the atmosphere with radiation. Radiation significantly increases the mutations in DNA,which can be passed on to offspring andaccelerate evolution. This would result in a greater variety of individual differences and body types, enhancing cultural richness. Maybe some humans could even end up with superhero-like powers?

Of course, the vast majority of people who aren’t immediately killed by nuclear blasts will almost certainly become horrifically sick and die due to the resultant radiation, and that’s not even taking the psychological effects into account. But, you know, omelettes and eggs and all that. A good leader would be willing to accept this cost when doing what is necessary to help society.

At the very least, it should put an end up unrealistic expectations of beauty. When all of society is composed of people surviving in the remains of ruined cities and blighted wilderness, it’s going to be tricky to insist that any possible companion has a discernible thigh gap, or immaculately styled beard.

A world full of wasps

When you cover the world with firestorms and radiation, it’s obviously going to affect all forms of life, not just humans. Most of humanity’s domesticated beasts are dependent on us for survival, so they wouldn’t do well out of our general annihilation, so the survivors of humanity would have to learn to share the world with more hardy creatures.

Most people assume cockroaches are the ones who’d dominate following a nuclear war. Unfortunately for them, this isn’t really the case. The most radiation-resistant creature is Habrobracon hebetor. A type of wasp.

Not only will a post-nuclear-war society get all the benefits of living in a poisonous decimated void, they’ll get to share it with countless wasps. And who doesn’t love wasps? Such friendly creatures, always wanting to join picnics and share your ice cream, giving you one of their special tickles when you try and play with them, building nests in your disused spaces just to be neighbourly. How lovely.

“Mad Max” would be real

Mad Max: Fury Road was a smash hit at the cinemas. A total nuclear would allow anyone left to act it out for real. That would be fun, maintaining your customised battle-vehicle using scavenged parts in a never-end bid for survival against the deranged road gangs roaming the ruined landscape. Top Gear would certainly prove useful at least, if televised broadcasts were still a thing. Which they wouldn’t be.

Sure, there are a few negative consequences to nuclear war, but it’s the sign of a bold leader to be able to look beyond that and embrace the many positives it offers.

Dean Burnett doesn’t really think nuclear war is a good thing. He assumed everyone else thought the same, but now isn’t so sure. He’s on Twitter, @garwboy